I have recently been reflecting on self-care and how it is viewed and valued.
Self-care is being promoted everywhere I look - I, like thousands of others, have posted or shared the 'self-care isn't selfish' message on social media but has self-care been hijacked and re-marketed?
Many of us find ourselves in various situations in our lives where we feel we are running on empty or feel anxiety or stress over everyday events, every day. At those moments, we might find it hard to imagine our life in balance, to feel in control or valued. So our minds move to self-care; a little me time, trip to the gym, a treat, a glass of something but can this actually add to the problem if we don't fully understand what is causing it?
For me, self-care is taking an active role in nurturing my own well-being and happiness, not just in times of particular stress but at all times and it starts with me reviewing my needs and boundaries in various parts of my life. I learnt to say no and feel okay about it (I practice with small things to be ready for the bigger ones). I learnt that others didn't expect me to be perfect, so I didn't need to chase that perfection - it was okay to acknowledge I was good enough.
Where to start
Lots of us have difficulties in prioritising our own needs, setting boundaries and being consistent. We tend to put our needs last, often sacrificing our own well-being to make other people happy or to avoid conflict, this can be down to the conditioning we have experienced from society, work, school, family, friends - a distorted view of what we think we should be or what we think others expect from us that overrides our own instincts of what is best for us, sometimes causing us to chase an exhausting, impossible perfection.
Boundaries create safety in relationships and are also central to our identity and sense of self. Without boundaries, we may feel like a chameleon; always changing into who other people wants us to be, rather than us having a strong sense of who we are.
Boundaries can help us take care of our emotional and physical well-being and help create and maintain healthy relationships - in all parts of our lives including work.
Setting Boundaries
If this is something we are not used to doing it may feel overwhelming, we might feel guilty or be worried about change but living without setting boundaries, we’re more likely to become resentful and exhausted. Without boundaries, we may absorb other people’s feelings and take responsibility for their problems; we could overwork, allow others to take advantage of our kindness and eventually this could impact on our health. In contrast, when we set boundaries, we’re taking care of our physical and emotional needs.
Where to start?
It’s nearly impossible to set boundaries and practice self-care, if you don’t know what you need. Tuning into and exploring your thoughts, feelings and physical body will help you do this. You will need to challenge yourself to think about things differently and taking small steps to behave in new ways as you increase your self-awareness and gain self-respect.
Remember that boundaries are healthy, you don't need to feel guilty when you remember that everyone has needs, including you and taking care of yourself is a healthy choice.
Setting boundaries is a skill and like any other skill, the more you do it, the easier it becomes - start with one area of your life or one situation. Be kind to yourself as you learn this new skill and celebrate progress not perfection.
For me the most important - you do not need to be perfect.
As I type this post, I realise that although I have only briefly touched on this topic, it is something I feel passionately about and I look forward to exploring this it in greater depth in future posts.
